Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
