I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
