I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
