If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
