Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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