i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
