i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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