Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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