I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's shark week go big or go home
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
