remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How's work?
Spinning.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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