Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
