I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
