Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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