Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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