Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
