You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
