i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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