so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
