So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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