im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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