I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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