i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
