Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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