I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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