you told grandpa to call you daddy
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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