mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Randomize
