now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
