can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
