Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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