i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
