a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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