i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
