I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
