i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
