I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
