Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
