No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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