I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
