Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
