I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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