Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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