i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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