I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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