The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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