I could make wine with my vomit
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
