Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
