You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
