I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
