There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
