Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
