Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
