I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
